Here's a little taste:
Thanks, Michi! I had fun!
8 months ago
14 July 2009
Fotos
My brother Patrick and I did a mock photoshoot with one of my best friends Michaela on Sunday. Jump on over to her blog to see a few photos: michiheart.blogspot.com (Apparently I'm link illiterate). I think we did way better than I expected. I have this nervous twitch thing where any time I'm in front of a camera for posed shots, I get this tick in my right cheek. I always end up trying to bite the inside of my cheek, or turning my head for a minute to relax my face and then try again...but it usually fails and the pictures are awful. I think I was just comfortable enough around them both that it wasn't so hard.
Here's a little taste:
Thanks, Michi! I had fun!
Here's a little taste:
Thanks, Michi! I had fun!
08 July 2009
Addendum
Also! Guess who has a birthday in ten days?! Woot!
And, I feel that I may need to clarify my last post. Did it come across as though I don't believe in free will? Because I do believe we have the choice to obey or disregard. I also believe that because I choose to obey, God's plan will be executed in my life, whatever mistakes or choices I make; God will use them for his glory. Do those thoughts conflict? ...Not sure. I have a hard time with predestination/whatever beyond that, so I'm not going to say more because it's one of those mysteries that I do not feel enlightened enough to talk on. And at the risk of confusing myself, I will stop there.
Also, my phone randomly lit up just now, and it has really given me the heeby jeebies. I am 100% scared of the dark and not afraid to say it.
And, I feel that I may need to clarify my last post. Did it come across as though I don't believe in free will? Because I do believe we have the choice to obey or disregard. I also believe that because I choose to obey, God's plan will be executed in my life, whatever mistakes or choices I make; God will use them for his glory. Do those thoughts conflict? ...Not sure. I have a hard time with predestination/whatever beyond that, so I'm not going to say more because it's one of those mysteries that I do not feel enlightened enough to talk on. And at the risk of confusing myself, I will stop there.
Also, my phone randomly lit up just now, and it has really given me the heeby jeebies. I am 100% scared of the dark and not afraid to say it.
It is Well with My Soul, pt 2
So much for going to bed early!
I just had a moment. Remember the last time I had a moment? Well, this was a different moment.
This was a "I'm not going to panic. I won't have a panic attack...This is not a panic attack...I am going to stop panicking. Right. Now. Stop it" kind of moment.
On the rare occasions I allow my mind to wander into the darkness that seems to be my future, I tend to freak out. For so long I have been thinking, "Don't think about your future. Graduation is far away. So far. Focus on school. You'll be in school forever."
Friends, graduation is a mere five months away. I have been in school for ages now (only six years) and it is shocking to realize that the end is near. Perhaps it's time to start thinking of what the future is going to look like. Perhaps I should make a list, scour the internet for job ideas, something!
But I have no ideas. I have no idea where to start. I have no aspirations to climb any ladders. I think I would very well die working a typical desk job. I've had two very different desk jobs, and I think I did suffer and lose a little part of my soul at each. Not saying there is anything wrong with desk jobs. There are different jobs for different people. I respect those who can sit it out at a desk under those God-awful, migraine inducing florescent lights . I happen to believe that I am not one of them.
But I still have no ideas. And call me crazy, but I don't feel like I should start searching the internet looking for a career any time soon. In truth, I feel like doing that would be disobedient. I have been praying for growth and peace and asking for the joy of the Lord to find me wherever I am. I keep asking that God would reveal his plan for my life in his timing and in his way , and if he could not wait around until the 11th hour, that would be splendid. Mostly, I have been praying that God would help me to live with child-like faith. I have experienced several moments of joy in the last few weeks (when I say moments I mean entire days); and Blogland, if you have not experienced the freedom of living in complete joy, let's talk. I think I've seen growth in recent months and days, and I've found a peace in not knowing or understanding what in the world will become of my life. I have seen the results of praying for others with child-like faith that God can do anything, especially when I don't see any possibilities of success.
But I still have no ideas what will become of me next year. I'm not sure if I've ever shared this, but when I was about 8 or 9, I had a project that was designed to make us imagine what our life would be like in ten years. I remember crying about this project because I could not imagine what I would look like or be doing ten years from that moment. I struggled with it so much that I came to the conclusion that I must not live past the age of 18. Isn't that crazy? I just couldn't imagine myself older. So I lied on my project and said that I would be doing something boring, I can't remember what, and I felt so guilty. I carried that idea with me for years though until I eventually forgot. But then on my 18th birthday I remember being shocked that I had made it. I was so happy and a little disbelieving that as an eight year old I was incapable of seeing what my life could have been. It was just so overwhelming to imagine a life that I knew nothing about and the natural conclusion was that I wouldn't be around.
Anyway, here is the real moment I just had. I will probably never know what my life will be like. I can't imagine my life a month, six months, five years from now, because it's not my life. Whew, let me pause for a moment and digest that. If I am what I say I am, and live the way I'm called to live, my life is out of my hands. If I trust God the way that I say that I do, and the way that I wish I did, I don't need to have plans or ideas. I've got one that I will hold on to: it belongs to God.
Not that I'm devoid of desires or wishes. I think God has placed those specific things in my heart for a reason. And it's my hope that one day he will see fit to fulfill them. Until that day, I will continue to try and delight myself in the Lord: his blessings, his grace, his character, his strength and on & on.
I hate writing or talking about something like this. It inevitably means that I will not live up to it and will find the proverbial egg on my face. But I believe in grace. And I've felt God's unconditional love in the moments when I absolutely did not deserve to be loved. And I do believe that I will see God move through my imperfections and I look forward to seeing his plan revealed.
And five months from now, if I call one of you, completely losing my head because I'm graduating and haven't secured a job, will you please re-direct me to this moment? I can almost guarantee you that I will lose sight of the bigger picture and begin the death spiral of hyper-ventilation, panic, and busyness. Will you please tell me to shut up, slow down and pray? And in advance, thank you. =)
I just had a moment. Remember the last time I had a moment? Well, this was a different moment.
This was a "I'm not going to panic. I won't have a panic attack...This is not a panic attack...I am going to stop panicking. Right. Now. Stop it" kind of moment.
On the rare occasions I allow my mind to wander into the darkness that seems to be my future, I tend to freak out. For so long I have been thinking, "Don't think about your future. Graduation is far away. So far. Focus on school. You'll be in school forever."
Friends, graduation is a mere five months away. I have been in school for ages now (only six years) and it is shocking to realize that the end is near. Perhaps it's time to start thinking of what the future is going to look like. Perhaps I should make a list, scour the internet for job ideas, something!
But I have no ideas. I have no idea where to start. I have no aspirations to climb any ladders. I think I would very well die working a typical desk job. I've had two very different desk jobs, and I think I did suffer and lose a little part of my soul at each. Not saying there is anything wrong with desk jobs. There are different jobs for different people. I respect those who can sit it out at a desk under those God-awful, migraine inducing florescent lights . I happen to believe that I am not one of them.
But I still have no ideas. And call me crazy, but I don't feel like I should start searching the internet looking for a career any time soon. In truth, I feel like doing that would be disobedient. I have been praying for growth and peace and asking for the joy of the Lord to find me wherever I am. I keep asking that God would reveal his plan for my life in his timing and in his way , and if he could not wait around until the 11th hour, that would be splendid. Mostly, I have been praying that God would help me to live with child-like faith. I have experienced several moments of joy in the last few weeks (when I say moments I mean entire days); and Blogland, if you have not experienced the freedom of living in complete joy, let's talk. I think I've seen growth in recent months and days, and I've found a peace in not knowing or understanding what in the world will become of my life. I have seen the results of praying for others with child-like faith that God can do anything, especially when I don't see any possibilities of success.
But I still have no ideas what will become of me next year. I'm not sure if I've ever shared this, but when I was about 8 or 9, I had a project that was designed to make us imagine what our life would be like in ten years. I remember crying about this project because I could not imagine what I would look like or be doing ten years from that moment. I struggled with it so much that I came to the conclusion that I must not live past the age of 18. Isn't that crazy? I just couldn't imagine myself older. So I lied on my project and said that I would be doing something boring, I can't remember what, and I felt so guilty. I carried that idea with me for years though until I eventually forgot. But then on my 18th birthday I remember being shocked that I had made it. I was so happy and a little disbelieving that as an eight year old I was incapable of seeing what my life could have been. It was just so overwhelming to imagine a life that I knew nothing about and the natural conclusion was that I wouldn't be around.
Anyway, here is the real moment I just had. I will probably never know what my life will be like. I can't imagine my life a month, six months, five years from now, because it's not my life. Whew, let me pause for a moment and digest that. If I am what I say I am, and live the way I'm called to live, my life is out of my hands. If I trust God the way that I say that I do, and the way that I wish I did, I don't need to have plans or ideas. I've got one that I will hold on to: it belongs to God.
Not that I'm devoid of desires or wishes. I think God has placed those specific things in my heart for a reason. And it's my hope that one day he will see fit to fulfill them. Until that day, I will continue to try and delight myself in the Lord: his blessings, his grace, his character, his strength and on & on.
I hate writing or talking about something like this. It inevitably means that I will not live up to it and will find the proverbial egg on my face. But I believe in grace. And I've felt God's unconditional love in the moments when I absolutely did not deserve to be loved. And I do believe that I will see God move through my imperfections and I look forward to seeing his plan revealed.
And five months from now, if I call one of you, completely losing my head because I'm graduating and haven't secured a job, will you please re-direct me to this moment? I can almost guarantee you that I will lose sight of the bigger picture and begin the death spiral of hyper-ventilation, panic, and busyness. Will you please tell me to shut up, slow down and pray? And in advance, thank you. =)
29 June 2009
Relevant lyrics.
Heard this song this morning while I was getting ready and I thought it was applicable.
Carryin' a millstone malaise
It's been pulling down your gaze
You pound the pavement
It don't give or care
This weight ain't yours to bear
Why you holdin' grudges in old jars?
Why you wanna show off all your scars?
What's it gonna take to lay a few burdens down?
It's a beautiful sound
When they all fall
Like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
They all fall
Like a million pieces
A ticker tape parade high
And now you're free to fly
When that muffled sigh
Says you're barely getting by
Cut your burdens loose and just simplify
Simplify
This is not your floor
You're going higher than before
Drop the weight now
Wait for the lookout guide
Look outside
As they all fall
Like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
They all fall
Like a million pieces
A ticker tape parade high
Now you're free to fly
You've gotta lay that burden down
You're gonna lay that burden down
It's time to leave your burdens in a pyre
Set a bonfire
'Cause when you lay your burdens down
When you lay your burdens down
When you drop them burdens
What a free-fall
What a thrill
Bury them all
In a landfill
"Million Pieces" by the Newsboys.
(Side note: I saw them in concert when I was in junior high [I think] in Austin, perhaps. It's a fuzzy memory, but it was on the greatest retreat trip ever. It was styled after MTV's Road Rules. The church I went with rented three or four 15-passenger vans and we did a four or five day trip of several cities in Texas. We got a clue at the beginning of each day to figure out where we were going. I think we traveled from Houston to San Antonio [picture scavenger hunt across the city with funky things to do/find (ex: human pyramid/handstands in front of Alamo)], then to Austin [each van was given a bag full of costumes and told to dress as funky as possible, then we pulled up in front of this massive church for the Newsboys concert where everyone looked normal except for us], then we went to Dallas [spent the day at Six Flags], and then back to Houston. SO. MUCH. FUN. We stayed at a church facility in each city. One of them had a skate rental so we all got skates and spent the night circling around the basketball gym. Good memory... long sidenote.)
Carryin' a millstone malaise
It's been pulling down your gaze
You pound the pavement
It don't give or care
This weight ain't yours to bear
Why you holdin' grudges in old jars?
Why you wanna show off all your scars?
What's it gonna take to lay a few burdens down?
It's a beautiful sound
When they all fall
Like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
They all fall
Like a million pieces
A ticker tape parade high
And now you're free to fly
When that muffled sigh
Says you're barely getting by
Cut your burdens loose and just simplify
Simplify
This is not your floor
You're going higher than before
Drop the weight now
Wait for the lookout guide
Look outside
As they all fall
Like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
They all fall
Like a million pieces
A ticker tape parade high
Now you're free to fly
You've gotta lay that burden down
You're gonna lay that burden down
It's time to leave your burdens in a pyre
Set a bonfire
'Cause when you lay your burdens down
When you lay your burdens down
When you drop them burdens
What a free-fall
What a thrill
Bury them all
In a landfill
"Million Pieces" by the Newsboys.
(Side note: I saw them in concert when I was in junior high [I think] in Austin, perhaps. It's a fuzzy memory, but it was on the greatest retreat trip ever. It was styled after MTV's Road Rules. The church I went with rented three or four 15-passenger vans and we did a four or five day trip of several cities in Texas. We got a clue at the beginning of each day to figure out where we were going. I think we traveled from Houston to San Antonio [picture scavenger hunt across the city with funky things to do/find (ex: human pyramid/handstands in front of Alamo)], then to Austin [each van was given a bag full of costumes and told to dress as funky as possible, then we pulled up in front of this massive church for the Newsboys concert where everyone looked normal except for us], then we went to Dallas [spent the day at Six Flags], and then back to Houston. SO. MUCH. FUN. We stayed at a church facility in each city. One of them had a skate rental so we all got skates and spent the night circling around the basketball gym. Good memory... long sidenote.)
17 June 2009
June 09's Playlist
Trouble - Ray LaMontagne
Paradise Cove - Pete Yorn
That It Moves - Greg Laswell
Dream - Priscilla Ahn
Thinking of You - Pete Yorn
Let It Be Me - Ray LaMontagne
Girl Downtown - Hayes Carll
Long Time Nothing New - Pete Yorn
Red Cape - Priscilla Ahn
You Are the Best Thing - Ray LaMontagne
And Then You - Greg Laswell
Lullaby - Priscilla Ahn
It's A Shame - Hayes Carll
Shelter - Ray LaMontagne
Find My Way Back Home - Priscilla Ahn
Beaumont - Hayes Carll
I may open it up to a few more artists after I've looked through my ipod. But I think I like that it's limited to this handful of talent.
Paradise Cove - Pete Yorn
That It Moves - Greg Laswell
Dream - Priscilla Ahn
Thinking of You - Pete Yorn
Let It Be Me - Ray LaMontagne
Girl Downtown - Hayes Carll
Long Time Nothing New - Pete Yorn
Red Cape - Priscilla Ahn
You Are the Best Thing - Ray LaMontagne
And Then You - Greg Laswell
Lullaby - Priscilla Ahn
It's A Shame - Hayes Carll
Shelter - Ray LaMontagne
Find My Way Back Home - Priscilla Ahn
Beaumont - Hayes Carll
I may open it up to a few more artists after I've looked through my ipod. But I think I like that it's limited to this handful of talent.
Sparkling Leaves
EDIT/UPDATE:
You can buy Priscilla Ahn's album on iTunes for $7.99. I just did. Also, Pete Yorn's new album is out as of yesterday. I previewed some of the songs and then bought a few that sound especially appetizing to my little ears.
---------------------------------
I love this song. For more reasons than I could possibly put into words. Priscilla Ahn's voice is just perfect to me. I wish I could sing, but I really wish I could sing like her. All of her songs are wonderful, in my humble opinion; this one, "Dream," is my favorite right now though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI
Here's a video someone created for the song:
It's just one of those songs that makes me long for something. I'm not sure what exactly, but I think it's something like never wanting to lose that child-like sense of wonder. I feel nostalgic. I want to remember what I dreamed about when I was a little girl. (Truth be told it was probably about playing pro-soccer or being an artist or traveling the world). All of which I would still like to do, though I definitely lack the talent that I once thought I had.
Not to go all deep and brooding, but I've been struggling to find passion again since I've been sick (over a year ago now! Still feels like last month). Sometimes I think I've just been emotionally shut down to things. I've seen things and heard things that I know should move me or impress some degree of awe or wonder in me, but I don't feel anything. I'm scared to pray for God to re-open those gates or to show me something awe-inspiring - I don't know if I could handle it. Unless it was something spectacularly simple that just blew my mind wide open. I'm scared that He'll show me something huge-
That's stupid. Can I not trust Him to show me exactly what I need? Does He not know me, my needs, my tolerable upper limits? I don't think I'm emotionally dead (as my roommate jokes, she calls me a robot; e.g. the other day I cried about something and she suggested that perhaps I was developing a soul - not funny, by the way. I just feel wired differently since I was ill). I've thought about painting something recently, but I don't have the first clue what to paint. I was really getting into water colors before everything happened. Maybe one day this summer I'll try again. I'll put a date to it:
One day between this weekend and the next, I, Emily Kaitlin Burnham, will put brush to paper. Consider that electronically signed.
And if I fail to comply and show evidence, anyone who quotes this to me has my authorization to collect $20 by any means necessary. However, if you punch or harm me in any way, I reserve the right to return the favor and deny you the $20 and in return charge you a fee based upon my discretion.
Just kidding! You may not collect $20, but I will keep my word.
You can buy Priscilla Ahn's album on iTunes for $7.99. I just did. Also, Pete Yorn's new album is out as of yesterday. I previewed some of the songs and then bought a few that sound especially appetizing to my little ears.
---------------------------------
I love this song. For more reasons than I could possibly put into words. Priscilla Ahn's voice is just perfect to me. I wish I could sing, but I really wish I could sing like her. All of her songs are wonderful, in my humble opinion; this one, "Dream," is my favorite right now though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI
Here's a video someone created for the song:
It's just one of those songs that makes me long for something. I'm not sure what exactly, but I think it's something like never wanting to lose that child-like sense of wonder. I feel nostalgic. I want to remember what I dreamed about when I was a little girl. (Truth be told it was probably about playing pro-soccer or being an artist or traveling the world). All of which I would still like to do, though I definitely lack the talent that I once thought I had.
Not to go all deep and brooding, but I've been struggling to find passion again since I've been sick (over a year ago now! Still feels like last month). Sometimes I think I've just been emotionally shut down to things. I've seen things and heard things that I know should move me or impress some degree of awe or wonder in me, but I don't feel anything. I'm scared to pray for God to re-open those gates or to show me something awe-inspiring - I don't know if I could handle it. Unless it was something spectacularly simple that just blew my mind wide open. I'm scared that He'll show me something huge-
That's stupid. Can I not trust Him to show me exactly what I need? Does He not know me, my needs, my tolerable upper limits? I don't think I'm emotionally dead (as my roommate jokes, she calls me a robot; e.g. the other day I cried about something and she suggested that perhaps I was developing a soul - not funny, by the way. I just feel wired differently since I was ill). I've thought about painting something recently, but I don't have the first clue what to paint. I was really getting into water colors before everything happened. Maybe one day this summer I'll try again. I'll put a date to it:
One day between this weekend and the next, I, Emily Kaitlin Burnham, will put brush to paper. Consider that electronically signed.
And if I fail to comply and show evidence, anyone who quotes this to me has my authorization to collect $20 by any means necessary. However, if you punch or harm me in any way, I reserve the right to return the favor and deny you the $20 and in return charge you a fee based upon my discretion.
Just kidding! You may not collect $20, but I will keep my word.
10 June 2009
I title this one: Woe is me!
If you can't handle TMI, or close to TMI, don't read this one. I'm working on another post in my head so maybe just wait for that one.
I don't know what it is about that special time of the month, but it seems as though some of the worst things gravitate to those few days of intense mood swings and emotional/hormonal chaos. In addition to the awful physical goings on (and I win every contest of worst PMS symptoms), do I really need to be a basket case too? I mean - really? It just seems like the world is ending at least once a month. This week it was car issues, cramps, crying over stupid things, cramps, car issues and crying. Honestly. And I know that some of the things are stupid and not worth crying over, but I can't help it: the world is ending.
Last Thursday the van I've been driving overheated and started smoking. The radiator was completely dry when I checked and it wouldn't hold any water. I left town at 4 am Friday so I couldn't deal with it until I got home Sunday. Sunday when I got home it was too late to do anything.
Monday was the most frustrating day. I don't know what the issue was, but the mechanic I wanted to have the van towed to would not answer their phones (I called 6 times throughout the day) and they didn't return my voice mail for over 24 hours. Needless to say, they lost a potential customer who would have been paying a lot for car repairs. I still just don't understand why it was so difficult to find a mechanic and have the thing towed. In summary, I cried. I was so frustrated. But I did find a mechanic and it was towed and taken care of. After the frustration though, everyone has a recommendation for a mechanic now. hmph
Today I went and picked the van up (Thanks for the ride, Anna!) and the A/C doesn't work. I nearly cried on the way home. I have zero tolerance for heat - it just makes me sick. Add that to the cramps and the overall feeling of world termination... I stopped and bought some sorbet and some things for dinner. I know it will all be ok tomorrow or the next day, but seriously...sometimes (once a month) I wonder how much easier it must be to be a man.
I don't know what it is about that special time of the month, but it seems as though some of the worst things gravitate to those few days of intense mood swings and emotional/hormonal chaos. In addition to the awful physical goings on (and I win every contest of worst PMS symptoms), do I really need to be a basket case too? I mean - really? It just seems like the world is ending at least once a month. This week it was car issues, cramps, crying over stupid things, cramps, car issues and crying. Honestly. And I know that some of the things are stupid and not worth crying over, but I can't help it: the world is ending.
Last Thursday the van I've been driving overheated and started smoking. The radiator was completely dry when I checked and it wouldn't hold any water. I left town at 4 am Friday so I couldn't deal with it until I got home Sunday. Sunday when I got home it was too late to do anything.
Monday was the most frustrating day. I don't know what the issue was, but the mechanic I wanted to have the van towed to would not answer their phones (I called 6 times throughout the day) and they didn't return my voice mail for over 24 hours. Needless to say, they lost a potential customer who would have been paying a lot for car repairs. I still just don't understand why it was so difficult to find a mechanic and have the thing towed. In summary, I cried. I was so frustrated. But I did find a mechanic and it was towed and taken care of. After the frustration though, everyone has a recommendation for a mechanic now. hmph
Today I went and picked the van up (Thanks for the ride, Anna!) and the A/C doesn't work. I nearly cried on the way home. I have zero tolerance for heat - it just makes me sick. Add that to the cramps and the overall feeling of world termination... I stopped and bought some sorbet and some things for dinner. I know it will all be ok tomorrow or the next day, but seriously...sometimes (once a month) I wonder how much easier it must be to be a man.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
