We are the Clay

In open fields of wild flowers
I breathe the air and fly away
I thank my Jesus for the daisies and roses
In no special language
Someday I'll understand:
The meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
And fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray:

I want to fall in love with You

It seems too easy to call You "Savior"
Not close enough to call You "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
To show my devotion...

The Prodigal God

You are all, big and small
beautiful and wonderful
to trust in grace through faith
but I'm asking to taste...

For dark is light to You
depths are height to You
Far is near, but Lord, i need to hear from You

Be near, oh God
Be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
Be near, oh God
Be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good



I feel like the weight of the world is all crashing down on me. And some how I just don’t believe this is how it is supposed to be. And all this expectation on the way I’m suppose to live becomes my minds distraction, with nothing left to give. You said your burden is light and your load is no more. You said your ways are right and in you I would soar. I want to be free: free to dance and free to sing, free to live and love and free to be me. In you I’m longing for some peace to be found. I know the heaviness that’s making me cold is stealing my youthful soul and making me old;
I want to be free.


There is a book by Timothy Keller called "The Prodigal God" that I am really interested in reading. I almost never buy books but I am really intrigued by this one. You can find an excerpt from the book at the website: www.theprodigalgod.com. I also really want to read this book that Lauren told me about months ago: Radical Womanhood, maybe... Lauren, what's the name of that book? (P.S. I just found a birthday card that I wrote to you, I don't even know how many years ago, but I plan on sending it to you this year, Ha! I'll, um, write a new message =) Just kidding, I'll send it with a new one.)

I just, hm, have been feeling difficult lately. Like I'm wrestling with something, but for the life of me I don't know what that something is yet. My introverted side has been rearing its ugly head lately. I'm also willing to bet this is why I've been getting sick so frequently the last few months; there is a massive internal struggle that I can't put words to and therefore can not bring to light. And who knows how long it's even taken me just to realize there is something brewing. Worst of all (I think), it's sapping my joy.

There are days I wish God had made me differently. I know people who can easily seem to be able to diagnose themselves and their issues so easily and BAM! they're on to the next thing. It always takes me months and it involves a knock-down-drag-out war. But I don't second-guess Him, because I know I'm this way for a reason. I just find myself really annoyed with myself. I just laughed out loud at that, but it's true! I pity the man God has for me (there's an "if" statement lurking there). Really. So... just waayyy in advance: "Honey, I'm SORRY."

On a completely different, un-related topic, I have been really disciplined about working out lately for the first time in my life! Yeah-yuh! This means I have a good routine going on. Also, if anyone is looking for podcast sermons, I've been love, love, loving Matt Chandler's series on Luke from the Village Church in Dallas. They're available, free, on iTunes.

Une chanson

Just heard this song. I love the video, too! So creative...




Also, wasn't I just sick? Yes...yes I think I was. I distinctly remember there being fever and a wheezing cough with sore throat and lastly, an inhaler. I've picked up a sore throat again within the last two days. =/ I have the weakest immune system. I don't think I used to get sick this easily. It's just been within this last year. Also yesterday I spent 5 solid hours in my car. FIVE. 100 miles, didn't go further than Elgin, driving someone around. Not exactly my cup of tea, but hopefully it will have paid off and a job will come through.

Unintentional picture post

This post just changed three times. Sorry for anything that doesn't make sense.

London playlist:
New Shoes - Paolo Nutini
Naive - The Kooks
New-York New-York - Ryan Adams
Don't I Hold You - Wheat
Where Does the Good Go - Tegan & Sara
Ding Dong - Nellie McKay
Last Request - Paolo Nutini
Ooh la - The Kooks
Ice Age - Pete Yorn
The Sad Waltzes of Pietro Crespi - Owen
Life is Beautiful - Ryan Adams
Girls - Nizlopi
A Bird in Hand - Owen
The Man - Pete Yorn
When the Stars go Blue - Ryan Adams
Sing Around It - Nizlopi
BHFH - Hem
Bad News - Owen

Also check out "I Wish I was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers in My Hair)". It's by Sandi Thom. I have no idea where it came from, but it appeared on my ipod one day when I was living in London. All of those songs are ones that I discovered while in London. Also, Lemar's album "The Truth About Love" is pretty good as well (a bit lovey dovey). I heard about him from an ad in the underground one day.




Buckingham Palace (I've seen the Queen! And it was a magical moment.)


This picture is from my Christmas present from Adam and Ellen. We saw...

Wicked! Best surprise gift ever!!

(Sad sigh) One of the girls from the bible study I used to co-lead with Lauren (several years ago now) is studying abroad in London right now. It kills me to look at her pictures. I am beyond jealous, I am in the realm of heart-literally-aching-with-teary-eyes for that place. It just makes me sick, I miss it so. Someday I'll venture back (again). It was nice when I went back for my brother's wedding.



Oh, bless. I miss that city....

Fotos

My brother Patrick and I did a mock photoshoot with one of my best friends Michaela on Sunday. Jump on over to her blog to see a few photos: michiheart.blogspot.com (Apparently I'm link illiterate). I think we did way better than I expected. I have this nervous twitch thing where any time I'm in front of a camera for posed shots, I get this tick in my right cheek. I always end up trying to bite the inside of my cheek, or turning my head for a minute to relax my face and then try again...but it usually fails and the pictures are awful. I think I was just comfortable enough around them both that it wasn't so hard.

Here's a little taste:





Thanks, Michi! I had fun!

Addendum

Also! Guess who has a birthday in ten days?! Woot!

And, I feel that I may need to clarify my last post. Did it come across as though I don't believe in free will? Because I do believe we have the choice to obey or disregard. I also believe that because I choose to obey, God's plan will be executed in my life, whatever mistakes or choices I make; God will use them for his glory. Do those thoughts conflict? ...Not sure. I have a hard time with predestination/whatever beyond that, so I'm not going to say more because it's one of those mysteries that I do not feel enlightened enough to talk on. And at the risk of confusing myself, I will stop there.

Also, my phone randomly lit up just now, and it has really given me the heeby jeebies. I am 100% scared of the dark and not afraid to say it.

It is Well with My Soul, pt 2

So much for going to bed early!

I just had a moment. Remember the last time I had a moment? Well, this was a different moment.

This was a "I'm not going to panic. I won't have a panic attack...This is not a panic attack...I am going to stop panicking. Right. Now. Stop it" kind of moment.

On the rare occasions I allow my mind to wander into the darkness that seems to be my future, I tend to freak out. For so long I have been thinking, "Don't think about your future. Graduation is far away. So far. Focus on school. You'll be in school forever."

Friends, graduation is a mere five months away. I have been in school for ages now (only six years) and it is shocking to realize that the end is near. Perhaps it's time to start thinking of what the future is going to look like. Perhaps I should make a list, scour the internet for job ideas, something!

But I have no ideas. I have no idea where to start. I have no aspirations to climb any ladders. I think I would very well die working a typical desk job. I've had two very different desk jobs, and I think I did suffer and lose a little part of my soul at each. Not saying there is anything wrong with desk jobs. There are different jobs for different people. I respect those who can sit it out at a desk under those God-awful, migraine inducing florescent lights . I happen to believe that I am not one of them.

But I still have no ideas. And call me crazy, but I don't feel like I should start searching the internet looking for a career any time soon. In truth, I feel like doing that would be disobedient. I have been praying for growth and peace and asking for the joy of the Lord to find me wherever I am. I keep asking that God would reveal his plan for my life in his timing and in his way , and if he could not wait around until the 11th hour, that would be splendid. Mostly, I have been praying that God would help me to live with child-like faith. I have experienced several moments of joy in the last few weeks (when I say moments I mean entire days); and Blogland, if you have not experienced the freedom of living in complete joy, let's talk. I think I've seen growth in recent months and days, and I've found a peace in not knowing or understanding what in the world will become of my life. I have seen the results of praying for others with child-like faith that God can do anything, especially when I don't see any possibilities of success.

But I still have no ideas what will become of me next year. I'm not sure if I've ever shared this, but when I was about 8 or 9, I had a project that was designed to make us imagine what our life would be like in ten years. I remember crying about this project because I could not imagine what I would look like or be doing ten years from that moment. I struggled with it so much that I came to the conclusion that I must not live past the age of 18. Isn't that crazy? I just couldn't imagine myself older. So I lied on my project and said that I would be doing something boring, I can't remember what, and I felt so guilty. I carried that idea with me for years though until I eventually forgot. But then on my 18th birthday I remember being shocked that I had made it. I was so happy and a little disbelieving that as an eight year old I was incapable of seeing what my life could have been. It was just so overwhelming to imagine a life that I knew nothing about and the natural conclusion was that I wouldn't be around.

Anyway, here is the real moment I just had. I will probably never know what my life will be like. I can't imagine my life a month, six months, five years from now, because it's not my life. Whew, let me pause for a moment and digest that. If I am what I say I am, and live the way I'm called to live, my life is out of my hands. If I trust God the way that I say that I do, and the way that I wish I did, I don't need to have plans or ideas. I've got one that I will hold on to: it belongs to God.

Not that I'm devoid of desires or wishes. I think God has placed those specific things in my heart for a reason. And it's my hope that one day he will see fit to fulfill them. Until that day, I will continue to try and delight myself in the Lord: his blessings, his grace, his character, his strength and on & on.

I hate writing or talking about something like this. It inevitably means that I will not live up to it and will find the proverbial egg on my face. But I believe in grace. And I've felt God's unconditional love in the moments when I absolutely did not deserve to be loved. And I do believe that I will see God move through my imperfections and I look forward to seeing his plan revealed.

And five months from now, if I call one of you, completely losing my head because I'm graduating and haven't secured a job, will you please re-direct me to this moment? I can almost guarantee you that I will lose sight of the bigger picture and begin the death spiral of hyper-ventilation, panic, and busyness. Will you please tell me to shut up, slow down and pray? And in advance, thank you. =)